


Too Sober

by SupercityCarnival



Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:20:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27483364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupercityCarnival/pseuds/SupercityCarnival
Summary: This is a conversation that takes place after the IO campaign, explaining that Chrisjen recommended Bobbie to return to the Martian Marine Corp against her wishes.
Relationships: Chrisjen Avasarala & Bobbie Draper, Chrisjen Avasarala/Bobbie Draper
Comments: 7
Kudos: 25





	Too Sober

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt Fill for Thefemslasher on Tumblr. "I'm too sober for this." 
> 
> I've been wanting to explore this conversation for a long time. I wasn't able to really capture the spectrum of emotions I wanted to, but I do see it going a bit like this. Wish the show explained how Bobbie made it back to Mars/The MMC

The halls of the United Nations of Earth were almost empty. The work day had ended hours ago. All that remained were security guards, clerks, and an occasional government official who felt the rare inclination to work late. Save for one government official who was always working regardless of the hour. 

Bobbie stalked through the spacious hallways. Long, quick steps took her closer to Chrisjen Avasarala's new office. She had a data device in her hand that threatened to shatter under an angry grip. The moment she read the letter, she was filled with fury. An explanation from Chrisjen was in order. 

Her breathing was hard with emotion and anxiety had her stomach in knots. Her focused strides brought her to the small waiting area outside the office. Chrisjen's assistant had already left, but her secret service detail remained. They were flanking the door, but Bobbie was in no mood to argue… not with them, at least. Thankfully, it looked as if she wouldn't have to. She knew them and they knew her. The expression on her face must have said it all. They stepped aside, not wanting to tangle with a furious Martian. 

Bobbie gripped the doorknob tightly, throwing the door open. She stepped into the huge office, slamming it shut behind her, causing the woman standing at the window to jump. Chrisjen spun around to face her. Her wide eyes relaxed upon seeing who it was. 

Breathes still coming deeply, Bobbie pinned her gaze on the newly appointed Secretary General. They stared at one another until Chrisjen took a sip of the drink in her hand. She opened her mouth to speak, but Bobbie interrupted. 

She held up the device, showing the letter. Voice shaky, Bobbie questioned, "You recommended me for reinstatement to the MMC?" 

Chrisjen didn't flinch, as if she'd expected the confrontation. She replied evenly. "I thought you'd be pleased." 

"Bullshit!" Bobbie's anger began to boil over as insecurity crept in. "Is this you trying to get rid of me?" She accused.

Scoffing, Chrisjen said, "Don't be ridiculous." She took another drink, getting irritated. "You've gone on and on about wanting to be a Marine again." 

Bobbie attempted to slow her anxious breaths. Surely the woman understood why she was upset. "You know all that changed after…" 

She snapped her mouth shut and let the sentence trail off. Chrisjen gave her a hard look, warning her not to complete the thought. They hadn't talked about it since they returned to Earth. Rather than it being a secret that brought them closer, the clandestine knowledge was tearing them apart. 

"But I guess none of that matters anymore," Bobbie finished. 

With a frustrated exhale, Chrisjen walked over to the large desk and opened the drawer where she kept a bottle of scotch, always at the ready. She put her glass down, opened the bottle, and added another finger full of amber liquid to the glass. Leaving the bottle open, she came toward Bobbie, though she left several feet between them. She took another long drink from the glass.

"Of course it matters," she said quietly. 

Bobbie looked at her. She could see how tired the woman was. Chrisjen's slow blinks gave away her exhaustion, but the Martian wasn't letting it go. After all, this could be their last conversation. 

Finally softening the timbre of her tone, Bobbie mused, "All those days on the Roci, waking up in each other's arms-" 

"Don't do this." Chrisjen's voice was almost begging. She held an arm across her torso protectively. 

"Me?" Bobbie pointed at herself, upset. "You're the one sending me away." 

At that, Chrisjen gave a rueful chuckle. She turned. Walking slowly back toward the window she muttered, "I'm too sober for this." 

Offended at the woman's lack of sympathy or empathy, or anything resembling an apology, Bobbie pushed on with, "You know the Martian Congress wants to curry favor with Earth's new Secretary General. They'll honor whatever request you make. Why make this one?" 

When Chrisjen faced her, Bobbie was surprised at the sadness in her expression. She would almost swear there were tears in those chestnut orbs. With a shaky hand, she took another drink and paused.

"Maybe it's for the best." Chrisjen said it so softly, Bobbie almost couldn't make it out. 

Hot tears stung her own eyes at the sight of this always sure woman so clearly torn. Still, she couldn't believe Chrisjen was saying it. Best for her to leave? After everything they'd been through together, all the promises made? It was unacceptable. 

"So every kiss," Bobbie spoke, barely above a whisper, "every word you said to me… meant nothing?" 

The stubborn Earther tensed and dropped her gaze, irritated. She looked up with resolute eyes, determined. "Bobbie, I'm the Secretary General now. Whether I want you to stay or not doesn't matter anymore." 

Bobbie glared back. "That's a cop out and you know it." 

Suddenly, Chrisjen's gaze flashed with rage and she hurled the glass across the room, the liquid splashing over the space. Bobbie's eyes widened, shocked at the display, as it shattered on the opposite wall. 

The small woman practically shouted, "You think I want you to go!" Exhaling roughly, Chrisjen put her hands on her hips. She turned away from Bobbie, walking a few steps, attempting to school her ire. 

"Chrisjen…" Bobbie tried to be soothing. 

Her back to the Martian, she said, "You think a goddamn day goes by that I don't want to run away with you, try to get back what we had on the Rocinante?" Emotion emanated from her as she shifted to face her and Bobbie saw that familiar care on her countenance. 

She yearned to wrap the woman in her arms. "Then let's go." Bobbie didn't care how desperate she sounded. 

But Chrisjen only shook her head. "Nothing is that simple." 

She glanced away again and Bobbie closed her eyes, shoulders slumping. The distance between them seemed to expand in that moment far beyond only the room they were standing in. She was losing her. She was losing Chrisjen. The realization settled on her like a heavy, dark cloud. 

Finally, Bobbie asked, "You always said you didn't want this job." Chrisjen looked back at her. "I have to know. Did you take it for power, or for principle?" 

The offense at the insinuation was clear on Chrisjen's face. The sadness once again gave way to frustration. "Fuck you, Bobbie." 

However, Bobbie pressed. "Because if you took it for power, you're not the person I thought you were." 

Response dripping with ridicule, Chrisjen said, "Well, what's it like to walk on water?" 

With a scoff, Bobbie looked away. The seconds stretched out, neither woman knowing what to say next. They were hurting each other and Bobbie hated it. She wished more than anything that they could go back to that time in space. She would never forget the feel of this Earther's small body against hers, skin on skin, and it was the warmest thing Bobbie had ever felt. Every brush of Chrisjen's soft lips against hers held promise. Every touch, the most intimate she'd ever experienced. 

Chrisjen's voice drew her eyes back. She spoke so quietly, regretfully. "If you stay… I'll only ruin you." 

They watched each other, both women silently imploring the other to give in, knowing neither one would. Bobbie saw through Chrisjen's beautifully defiant exterior. She could see heartbreak all over her gorgeous features. But she also saw resolve. When Chrisjen Avasarala made up her mind, there was no going back. 

Bobbie blinked, pushing away memories of soft kisses and lingering hands. She closed her eyes, willing recollections of undressing Chrisjen out of her head. All that was over. Chrisjen made her choice and Bobbie lost, though she wasn't even sure what she'd lost to. 

She opened her eyes and found her companion's. With a ragged breath, Bobbie acquiesced. "Alright then." 

Chrisjen's face fell. Discouraged and defeated, Bobbie turned to leave. She could swear a vice had gripped her heart. She was barely able to breathe. Her fingers wrapped around the door knob and she hesitated. 

Looking back at Chrisjen, she quietly asked a question she'd wanted to voice for months. "Do you love him?" 

Hugging herself defensively, Chrisjen met her eyes one last time. She looked so unhappy when she answered, "I love him enough." 

It was a lackluster response and it made Bobbie want to fight harder, push back until Chrisjen gave in. But then she watched as the Secretary General turned her back to her and walked to her spot at the window. 

No, Bobbie told herself. Let her go. Gripping the door knob firmly, she opened it and stepped out. Closing the door gently behind her, Bobbie began to make her way back down the hall. She looked down at the handheld she still had. Steeling her mind, she scrolled back to the letter offering her a place in the Martian Marine Corp. Tapping it, she began to form a reply confirming her return to Mars.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
